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Mr. Michael Conley, SJ

Occasionally, as I sit at my desk preparing my lesson plans in the faculty room at Cristo Rey Jesuit High School on the southwest side of Chicago, I sense a dim memory arise within me of my life 10 years ago. That life 10 years ago was radically different not only in terms of employment, but also in terms of geographical location: working in the financial markets of London, buying and selling financial options on the trading floor by day and enjoying London's cosmopolitan lifestyle by night and on the weekends.

After graduating from college in 1991 with a degree in sociology, I found employment as a trader's assistant at the Chicago Board of Trade. One year later, I was transferred to our London office. That subsequent late summer, only twenty-three years old, my own trading career began with a bang: my first day of trading coincided with an incredibly volatile day in the world's financial markets when the British Pound fell out of the former European Monetary System, never to return. It was also the day that financier George Soros became a household name; he reportedly earned more than one billion dollars that same day, having predicted the British Pound's precipitous decline in value.

I managed to scratch that day, i.e., I returned neither profit nor loss after a nerve-wracking day of trading. Given the significant price movement I had seen on my first day of trading, however, it seemed an auspicious beginning to what could potentially be an exciting and lucrative career. I would hope later on that such a successful career could also possibly provide the eventual foundation for married life, as my relationship with a woman in Chicago managed to survive and develop through long-distance phone calls and tri-annual trips back and forth, in a bid to defy major geographical separation.

Fast-forward to the summer of 1994, and rather than experiencing feelings of ongoing excitement and accomplishment, the modest success I had achieved left an increasingly hollow feeling instead. Likewise, the cosmopolitan lifestyle I once valued provided progressively less insulation from the nagging emptiness inside me. Coincidentally, this hollow feeling began to emerge when I began to sense a question arise deep within myself: what is God's opinion of what I'm doing with my life? Although born and raised in a large, Irish-Catholic family, having attended Catholic schools for most of my life and having attended Mass at least most Sundays as a young adult, I had never felt the force of that question before. When I realized that this question was being asked not casually but from a deep place within me, I also began to realize that I was very concerned about discovering the answer.

This new desire to know how God viewed me, my talents, and my romantic relationship, brought feelings of uncertainty and fear because I felt my life in London was perhaps not what God ultimately had in mind for me. But on the other hand, I also felt a newfound sense of peace and consolation when I considered following this new invitation to discover God's desires for me, even if it meant leaving a very privileged life behind.

Following this interior trail of peace and consolation, I returned to Chicago at the end of 1994. Although I felt a little confused and still wasn't sure where God was leading me, I had brought back with me a modest profit from my brief trading stint in London, so I was not forced to find work immediately. This initial freedom allowed me to spend more time with my girlfriend in the first three months of my return than in the previous three years. Rather unexpectedly, I also began to feel increasingly confused about my relationship and where it was headed. While she was beautiful, a loving person and an excellent friend, I was not experiencing the peace and consolation I had expected when I imagined marrying her. And after some reflection I realized it wasn't merely a matter of finding someone more interesting, beautiful, and caring: I repeatedly drew a disconcerting blank when I tried to imagine being married and having a family at all. Having left my work in London, I felt doubly disoriented now that a romantic relationship with the possibility of marriage no longer provided some life-direction.

While painful, this disorientation provided the impetus for more time in prayer, as I felt myself reaching out to God even more strongly for a sense of his presence, as well as clues as to where he was leading me. After some months of prayerful conversations with God where I shared my confusion and asked for direction (sometimes pleading angrily), I began to sense new thoughts and desires related to the priesthood and serving the Church. These new thoughts surprised me somewhat, because I had never seriously entertained ideas of the priesthood before. But although this new curiosity about a life of priestly service was unprecedented, when I would consider it as a possible vocation I felt like I had happened upon that interior trail of peace and consolation again; I would feel a sense of meaning, joy and coherence of life that I had not felt in some time.

I soon shared these new desires to explore the priesthood with my family and close friends. While they were shocked at first, almost universally they quickly sensed it would be a good fit, given what they knew about me. That early confirmation from those who loved me and knew gave me the courage to take the inevitable step of revealing this major development to my girlfriend, who could tell something was going on inside me, but had no idea what. She was shocked and saddened by my revelation; telling her was probably one of the most painful things I have ever done. Although it was difficult at first shifting from a romantic to platonic relationship, it was clear to me that God was blessing her as well as myself as we made the transition. We remained friends thereafter and she went on to build a new life and career.

While the notion of priesthood in general had inspired this sense of new vocation originally, with some help from family, friends and the Holy Spirit I began to explore different ways of responding to God's new invitation. I considered diocesan life, but quickly felt that although parish service was important, I desired more variety in a life of priestly service. It was at this time that more than one person suggested not only that I look into religious life, but also contact the Jesuits specifically. While I certainly knew about the Jesuits in terms of their educational mission and their relevance at different points in the history of the West, I myself had never attended a Jesuit school.

Although I had never known any Jesuits, the various signs around me pointing me in their direction intrigued me. These signs included the phone number of a Jesuit community located close to my house, given to my father by a business friend who knew them personally. I called their community and they invited me to dinner.

During dinner, I was impressed with their friendliness, hospitality and the stimulating table conversation. After I gave them a brief (much briefer than this!) synopsis of my emerging vocation story, they encouraged me to contact the local vocation director. It was with the help and guidance of the vocation director that I learned more about St. Ignatius and Ignatian spirituality, the many different types of work that Jesuits do, and the importance and value of community life. Spiritually, I began to grow: I entered regular spiritual direction and made my first retreat. Moreover, as I met more and more Jesuits with the help of the vocation director, I increasingly felt that I could fit in comfortably with this dynamic and spiritual group of men. Overall, the more I learned about Jesuit life, the more appealing it became. After a year of candidacy, I concluded that the interior trail of peace and consolation lead in the direction of entering the Society of Jesus.

Six years later, I am a Jesuit scholastic currently fulfilling my regency assignment, teaching sophomore religion at Cristo Rey. With the help of God, my brother Jesuits and lay colleagues, I have greatly profited from many opportunities to develop spiritually and serve the Church, my students and the People of God. Although I left much behind when I entered the Society of Jesus, I feel like I have gained much more: a deeper relationship with God and a stronger sense of the presence of Jesus in my life, new talents along with opportunities to exercise them for the sake of the kingdom, and many close friendships with brother Jesuits and lay colleagues who share our mission. Alongside these consolations there is the occasional challenge or frustration, no doubt. But every type of vocation lived well - married, single, or religious - experiences the same. Perhaps most importantly, I realize that my happiness as a Jesuit is not the result of a heroic act of willpower. Rather, I feel that God is giving me the grace to live this life and live it well. And it is in that feeling of God's grace and presence that I gratefully realize that he has revealed his opinion of me, my talents and how he wants me to live and love others.

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