Stories and Photos

Eric Knapp, SJ

"Oh. What does that mean?" These were the words my parents asked me on the phone when I told them I was a candidate for the Society of Jesus. It was 1993 and I had begun the candidacy program after 23 years of living a life that I would learn led me to make the decision to seriously contemplate a life as a Jesuit.

My life is quite ordinary. I was born in Richmond, Michigan (if you unfold your right hand and move 3 cm below the thumb knuckle, you'll be in the general vicinity of my hometown). My family is made up of my parents and four sons; I am third in line. We grew up in a rural area, raising crops and livestock (beef cattle, sheep, chickens and pigs); I was in 4-H for 10 years. I attended both Catholic and Lutheran schools, graduating from high school in 1987. When I graduated from high school I thought about becoming a priest; actually I had thought about being a priest since I was nine years old. Not sure what to do about that vocational stirring at that age, I went to Grand Valley State University for undergraduate and majored in English, Secondary Education. In addition to being a priest I wanted to be a teacher, but didn't know how to reconcile the two vocations. Within my first year of college I contacted the major seminary in the Archdiocese of Detroit and inquired about admission to their formation program. I met with a vocation director, made a discernment retreat and began the application process. At some point in the application process something happened to me that made me withdraw my application to the seminary; I began to have panic attacks and dreaded completing the application essays. I put it aside, and with real prayer and conversation with my parents, realized that that wasn't the time for me to pursue a vocation as a diocesan priest. I returned to Grand Valley and finished my schooling there in 1991.

Around that time I began to think about what to do after graduation from college. I knew I could always teach; I also knew that seminaries wouldn't be closing in the near future. I had a unique opportunity to work as a graduate assistant at a university in student affairs; the school would pay for a Masters degree and housing while I worked for them for 20-30 hours a week. After interviewing with 10 or so schools, I settled on accepting a job with Loyola University Chicago. I don't know why I chose Loyola-there were many reasons to accept it-great location, good money, good academic program, nice people. Still, there were the realities that I didn't know anyone in Chicago and there was the fact that Loyola was a Jesuit school. Up until that time I hadn't had any contact with Jesuits. I didn't know a lot about them aside from their stereotypes-"God's marines", "over-educated", "arrogant", and something to do with the Inquisition.

I moved to Chicago and began work at Loyola in 1991; I really liked the people I worked with-we became friends early on. At the orientation for my job I met a Jesuit who came to speak to us about the Jesuit charism that Loyola embodies. I felt my heart stir as I listened to the Jesuit speak about Ignatian spirituality, Jesuit education, and the Society's views of the person, the Church, prayer, and world. The ideas I was hearing were things I thought that I alone held and had made my personal philosophies. I felt at home at Loyola because it was there that I began to articulate my ideas in light of the vision of the Society of Jesus.

Some months later I felt the need to work on my prayer life; I had been attending daily mass at the university chapel but wanted to really learn how to pray. After talking to a colleague in campus ministry I decided to get a spiritual director. I was referred to an elderly Jesuit, one with whom I would later live with while in First Studies. While telling him the movements that I had been having to deepen my prayer life, he stopped me and asked me if I had ever thought about a vocation to the Jesuits. I thought a bomb went off in my heart. I hadn't. I didn't think I was smart enough or that I didn't possess enough talent. He asked me if he could give my name to the Vocations Director; I liked getting mail, so I let him. Two days later I got a packet of information. I read everything, several times, every night before bed. I felt my heart burn with excitement. Later I would realize this was God's grace at work in me.

I remember the moment I resolved to act on that grace. It was Christmas and I was at my parents' home preparing the house for the holidays. I was washing the stairs leading to the basement when I whispered, "I'll call him". I got back to Chicago in early January and phoned the Vocations Director. We met; he gave me a video, the name of a spiritual director, and a book after our meeting. I went home and watched the video. That night I read the book (A Traveler toward the Dawn) from cover to cover; I was mesmerized by the vocation story of this Wisconsin Province Jesuit. I finished the book sometime around 4 a.m., again, my heart burning.

From that time I met with a spiritual director, prayed with the scholastics who were in First Studies, and continued with daily mass. I was felt God was leading me; I was happy. I applied to the Society of Jesus and was accepted. I entered the novitiate on August 23, 1994.

So what does it mean? It means I've come to accept God's grace as something that is necessary for me to feel alive, whole, and happy. I feel most alive, whole and happy when I'm dong God's work and being around God's people. Since entering the Society of Jesus I've been exposed to God's people in a variety of ways-the poor in Peru, the dying in Cleveland, the incarcerated in Detroit, the young of New York city and the middle class of Wilmette, IL. It means that I love being a Jesuit; I've made my home in the Society. I know that I continue the lineage of the Society; I know that I have the Spiritual Exercises as a means of coming to deepen my relationship with God and others; it means that as a member of the Society I have the companionship of brother Jesuits who challenge and support me, calling me to holiness and help me to become more fully the person God wants me to be; I know that I will never be alone in any part of the world. As a result of my schooling and experiences, I am able to be speak of God's presence and activity to a variety of people in a variety of contexts.

archived stories