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Bernie McAniff, SJ

Do you find your calling? Or does your calling find you? I first took a leap toward priesthood when I was 22. That was the summer of the religious experiences never quite seen since. I was unprepared for the depth and moment of God's love. It made other forms of human experience pale by comparison.

With grace so plentiful, I entered a pre-seminary philosophy program. But the transition from the summer before to some of the more arid moments of philosophy was rough. I enjoyed my language course work in Spanish, but it was not enough. I left that program.

My life resumed in the work world. I landed a decent job at a large company. And I found the small group which sustained me: the young adult choir of a city parish. Some of the singers were friends of mine. Others were Ph.D. candidates in musicology at a well known conservatory. The choir, which insisted on singing 52 Sundays a year, grounded me. We'd rehearse every Friday evening, dine at our Italian restaurant hangout, and sing the 11:30 every Sunday. Our choir director was a married man, somewhat abbot-like. His was an unconditional love that created a real sense of community among us.

Once, during the years we sang together, the choir director had a heart attack. He underwent surgery, and in the process drew in more singers: resident physicians on coronary rounds. He called forth men and women in a way similar to Christ's.

The choir thrived for a good decade. But upsets in the workplace made me rethink my future. The Fortune 500 company where I worked suddenly woke up and found itself in the world economy. For me the corporate unease proved a silver lining. I considered further schooling and a return to a church vocation.

My heart had found the fortitude to examine the likelihood that I still had a call. And further fortified with a gift from a Catholic benefactor, I resumed the philosophy studies needed for priesthood.

I then tested my vocation by living with a religious order. Guess what: you don't always marry the first girl you meet. During my time with another order, I sought out spiritual directors. Twice I found Jesuit spiritual directors. Both directors, true to form, let the answers emerge within me.

In time I sensed a growing consolation in switching to the Society of Jesus. They have been my brothers now for the last eight years. No one can quite replace a person's own family, but these men come very close. I wince when they die. I laugh with them when they see life's ironies. I rejoice with them when they find God in their ministries. More and more, I find God working in me.

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